Nathan Natas

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Posts by Nathan Natas

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  8

  A voice.....

  by ReverendRoy in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  as some of you may have noticed i always include this quote with my signature - "why is it when we talk to god we're praying - but when god talks to us, we're schizophrenic?".

  i am poking some fun at this concept basically.

  however, a few years ago, driving in my car on the way to work, i heard a very clear, audible voice that was not mine.

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  Nathan Natas

  Reverend,

  It's that damned plastic Hula Girl!

  This is not just some ridiculous superstitious mumbo jumbo, but is ALSO a fact verified in Watchtower Laboratories, where Watchtower Scientists under the direction of the Holy Spirit, aka Jack Daniels (the sleeping prophet), have actually imprisioned demons in specially designed stasis chambers where they are tormented by a laser light show which beams the tetragrammaton directly onto the demon's ocular arrays.

  Watchtower Laboratories also hold the secret to an internal combustion engine which runs on ordinary tap water, varieties of common grains (corn, rice, wheat) that will grow in seawater, and a perpetual wind machine that will blow hot air without any perceptable energy source!

  I have never actually BEEN to Watchtower Laboratories, but I have heard of people who knew people who may or may not have had visions of the Theocratic Science that is both on display and continuously being invented there. There is a large population of imprisioned smurfs of both the ambulatory and speaking varieties, a petting zoo populated with a variety of exploding livestock (here's a little known fact: some of the Spinal Tap drummers were brothers who worked at Watchtower Laboratories!) Hula Hoops and second-hand statuary!

  Witness the marvelous "Shroud of Turturo" - being an actual facecloth used by the actor PRIOR to his rise to fame.

  View with boundless awe the "Acraptic Manuscripts", the primary source of The New World Translation! Fragments of scrolls date from the late Triassic period and reveal (upon exposure to new light) that the generation of the last days will begin in 2014 (or 27076 - the date cannot be easily decoded becasue the Acraptic scribes used only one character to represent all possible numbers).

  This Satanic world will never enjoy the magnificent sassitudinizations that Watchtower Laboratories will reveal to those priviledged flock members who survive into the beatitudinous new world, which will arrrive either tomorrow or ten million years from now.

  What a joy it will be to live in that world of tomorrow, where men will demonstrate the true spirit of loving Christ (who said, "...bring THE CHILDREN to ME!") and viciously kick the shit out of anyone who smells different!

  It is rumored that Watchtower Laboratories is concealed deep within the rotting infrastructure of New York City - could someone please verify this?
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  3

  god answers prayers

  by teejay in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  a man decided it was time to shed some excess pounds.

  he took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

  one morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake.

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  Nathan Natas

  A voice from the aether was heard...

  "Thank you for praying to Almighty God.

  Your prayer is very important to us.

  At the moment, Jehovah is occupied.

  Please coninue to hold. You are supplicant number 13,243,076.

  You may continue to hold, or may pray again during non-peak hours."
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  25

  Pioneer School Book

  by Eyebrow in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  ever since i was a kid i wanted to be a pioneer and go to pioneer school.

  i remember how every summer a crop of pioneers would come back all excited from the school with a "pioneer book" that no one was allowed to read except pioneers that had gone to school.

  seriously, even as an adult a good friend of mine would not even let me take a peak, as it was taboo.

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  Nathan Natas

  I have to agree with Francois that the book, regardless of it's actual content, *IS* treated as an amulet, charm or talisman.

  The amulets, charms and talismans of other religions and secret societies do not contain any *real* magical (spiritual) power, do they? No, their value is entirely in the perception of the holder of the "mojo bag."

  The practice of such rituals on the part of the Watchtower serves to train the subject to the idea of a "priviledged class" within the WTB&TS. As one works his (always HIS) way through the "degrees", more secrets are revealed, as with the elder's book.

  "The Book Of The Elders" - HA! is this "Lord Of The Rings"? Or some Lovecraftian "Necronomicon"? Not that the average witness would know, since the mysterious cabal known as the "governing body" (Baphomet had no body - this body has no head!) forbids the reading of such books.

  The sheep would get confused, you see - they would quickly forget which lies to believe.

  If the content of these books is ENTIRELY scriptural, why the secrecy?

  Oh, that's right - we need the WTB&TS to tell us what the Bible REALLY means, because the BIBLE is filled with "old light."
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  13

  Judicial Elder wisdom LOL

  by Shane in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i got to go into the star chamber a few years ago, i remember when the elders handling the my case told me and they all seemed to be in agreement with stupid remark: " now bro., i want you to go out and do everything you always wanted to do, and get it out of your system before you come back to us wanting reinstatement!

  i was disgusted, i said: wait just a dam min your all supposed to encourage me not to sin and guide me inn ways of righteousness, instead your telling me to go out and sin?

  i then said: "something's not right here, if there is a god someone will pay one day for mistreating one of his sheep.. question friends has anyone ever had the borg mp's ever say that to you?

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  Nathan Natas

  Au contraire, mon frere...

  The "comic books" I'm referring to are called "The Watchtower' and "Awake!". They offer just a bit less scholarly content than "Spiderman" and serve to keep the flock uneducated and uninformed because they are filled with misrepresentations of fact, fragmentary quotes out of context and the watchtower's own style of urban legends.
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  14

  Is there proof that............

  by deceit in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  in the bible times, men 'could'/'did' shave their faces?.

  the question comes from a conversation with my father (elder).

  he says the reason why all men had beards was that they could not shave them because there wasnt anything sharp enough.. i am sure their swords were sharp enough alone to do it.. (he is very against people growing beards, i guess it pisses him off that i've got a goedee now hehe)

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  Nathan Natas

  say DECEIT, sounds like your dad has gone APOSTATE on the doctrine of facial hair!

  He needs to read God's word THE WATCHTOWER daily, and abide by it.

  Repent, repent! There's an elder in my soup! :)
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  13

  All that waisted Time!

  by Ranchette in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i can't tell you how many times while out in service i would have these disturbing feelings:"this is such a waist of time.

  ""we are just driving our life away from nh to nh!

  " and"i'm acompolishing absolutly nothing!

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  Nathan Natas

  Ranchette -

  Right on, right on, right on!

  My Mom sacrificed her marriage to Jehovah when I was seven, and she lived (still does) as a bitter, angry, mean and suspicious person with no room for ANY joy in her life.... in short, a perfect Witness for Jehovah, the angry god.

  In early adulthood, once I began working, I began to experience a logical disconnect between her insane ranting about the "world" and the real world. Eventually, I chose reality. It's just so much more... REAL.
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  44

  Your alternative choice of music at the KH is ????

  by alliwannadoislive in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  oh ... sitting there ... waiting for the interminable end of the dreary and elongated rambling of someone with no public speaking skills at all ... please end ... anything to break this monotony is welcome ... even singing about 'christian youths' would be more welcome ... music pllllllease ... ahah 'now brothers, we will move into the service meeting with song number 47' ... and out blares ... guns'n'roses 'black leather' .... what cd would you like to sneak in there huh ?

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  Nathan Natas

  "From house to house,
  from door to door,
  we drag our weary butts,
  and though we think
  that we are saved,
  the TRUTH is that we're nuts."
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  65

  What are the most stupid JW rule?

  by beroea in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  what are the most stupid jw rule?.

  what do you consider to be the most stupid rules or tradition of the jw lives?

  im thinking about any kind of rule or regulative that only has one answer to the questions why:.

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  Nathan Natas

  The most stupid rules are the ones upon which the entire structure is built:

  That a "spirit realm" exists that is inhabited by superhuman creatures
  and that man is out of harmony with his original nature.

  Upon those two falsehoods all religion rests and thus all religion is equivalent.
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  9

  Don't tell your bad dreams out loud! DEMONS!!!

  by LDH in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  the demons will hear them!.

  told me yesterday.

  she got this little gem of wisdom from my mother while visiting my parents.. she said, "mom, i'm only gonna tell you this if you don't criticise grammy.".

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  Nathan Natas

  Hey, didn't last month's Watchtower have an article on Nasal Reptiles?
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  13

  Judicial Elder wisdom LOL

  by Shane in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i got to go into the star chamber a few years ago, i remember when the elders handling the my case told me and they all seemed to be in agreement with stupid remark: " now bro., i want you to go out and do everything you always wanted to do, and get it out of your system before you come back to us wanting reinstatement!

  i was disgusted, i said: wait just a dam min your all supposed to encourage me not to sin and guide me inn ways of righteousness, instead your telling me to go out and sin?

  i then said: "something's not right here, if there is a god someone will pay one day for mistreating one of his sheep.. question friends has anyone ever had the borg mp's ever say that to you?

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  Nathan Natas

  ...are you familiar with the comic strip "Dilbert"? Among other things, it lampoons the "wisdom" of business managers wheo really are not qualified for the jobs they hold.

  ...kinda like the JW elders... If you spend umpteen hours selling religious comic books door to door, and do a good job huffin' and puffin' at the podium, and you're a white male and you know how to "play ball," YOU TOO can be an elder!!!

  So I give you "Jahbert". If I could draw a straight line without poking myself in the eye, I'd do it. But I can't, so I offer the idea to anyone who wants to run with it.